How To Be More Confident

I wouldn't consider myself someone who has ever had extremely low self esteem, but with the exception of being drunk at a club or in the company of my close friends and family, confidence is something that I've always wanted to have more of. 

Recently I have been getting better with the whole confidence thing and I guess the point of writing this is so I can let you know what I did in the hope it works for someone else. 

Before I continue, I'm not about to claim I know some tricks and solutions to cure extreme social anxiety or anything like that, I'm just giving my tips on some ways you can hopefully feel more comfortable in your skin and maybe help you start pursuing something you've been holding back on.

So... I assumed it was just me getting older and starting to not care but when I actually thought about it, I realised there are certain actions I've been taking over the last few years which I massively think helped boost my self esteem. 

I'm still not gonna be the first one to stand up at a comedy show willing to get rinsed in front of a crowd but I'm much less embarrassed and more sure of myself in what I do/say in every day life now from my career to what I post on social media and everything in between.

So here are some things that might help you like they did for me.

FACE YOUR FEARS

My biggest fear is public speaking. I don't know why because most of the time I can't keep my mouth shut. Put me in front of a crowd and my stomach is in knots, knees are shaking, sweat pouring from my pits and face. I've never been able to stay calm before a speech or interview. I was even physically sick before my 2 interviews for uni (TMI?) 

Anyway. I was Head Boy of my Sixth form college which came with a number of public speaking roles which I was not at all comfortable with. The thing that really got me through back then was the Head Girl (and my friend, Kezia) who took the brunt of the speaking and let me skate by just doing the "thanks for coming" at the end. She's a natural and I could barely even get a "thanks for coming" out without my knees shaking like shitting dog.

Throughout my studies the public speaking continues: interviews, presentations, preparations for the "real world" each time I'm forcing myself to act like it's all fine and... most of the time it is. The sickness goes away once you start talking and then after this mini adrenaline rush like you've just climbed a (medium sized) mountain kicks in and it's kind of sick (in the good way that time).

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Suddenly it's time for the most intense speech of my life: My brothers wedding, for which I'm the best man. Everything here will be summarised because I don't wanna make this too long, maybe I'll do a full post about public speaking at some point because clearly I have too much to say. 

Anyway, I'm excited about being best man but also having the odd nightmare where I've left my speech at home and I'm stood with a microphone trying to make it all up on the spot.

By the wedding day, I'm fully prepared, got my speech printed out multiple times and I'm relying on a video I made to distract everyone for half of it. I'm still feeling sick and my hands are visibly shaking. I'm sat making myself think "what's the worst thing that could happen? In the grand scheme of things like... if I mess up it doesn't matter, but if I bail because I'm nervous, what does that say about me?"

This process doesn't help. What does is that by now, it's a feeling I'm used to and I know for me it's just going to happen. I also know it won't have any outcome on how this speech goes.. that's all down to me delivering it as I prepared it, the audience is no different to any other one I've dealt with before (except slightly larger and way more drunk). FYI I nailed that speech and apparently didn't come of nervous at all.

The point I'm trying to make is that the fear is never going to leave me, it's just something I have to deal with, but avoiding it is never gonna make it easier whereas practise does, and it gets that little bit easier every time.

me smashing the speech

I know that if someone told me in a month I'd be speaking in front of 500 people, I'd get the shaking and the stomach knots BUT I'd also know when to start preparing my speech, how long to practise for, how long X amount of pages will take me to read. I won't worry about how to use a microphone because I've done it so many times now, nor will I be thinking about how often to look up from my page.

This is what brings me confidence.
Coming out the other side learning from what went wrong and what made me so nervous in the first place and fixing it.

DON'T RELY ON OTHER PEOPLE FOR EVERYTHING

This one is obvious but I think it's pretty important.

Basically, for me at least, the more I let someone do something for me, the more I put off doing it myself. This is usually more of a lazy thing like making a brew, but at the same time it can have an effect on more real issue type stuff.

A random example would be talking to clients on the phone at work. I hated doing it because most of the time they're pissed (at the higher powers of the company not me and my perfect design skills, honestly) and I always got flustered and said the wrong thing.
For the first 2 months of working there I just let my coworker do every call for me because she offered a few times. It was so good for me because I just got away with not doing it at all. Eventually though I was aware how much easier my job would be if I just did it myself so we could communicate without the middle man and I could just explain everything correctly. Not that I wasn't grateful for the help.. but it would've been better if said coworker had known what she was talking about.
I also was aware that at some point when I get the job I want/when I'm doing private commission work I'm going to have to deal with these calls myself and I just have to get on with it. So I asked my coworker to only help me if the reason is that I'm too busy and since I've dealt with every call.

Full disclosure: some calls do not go well, I still just panic way more than if the conversation was via email or even in real life but seems to be a common thing so I'm just accepting that that's normal, the point is that I deal with the problems myself and it's actually really helping. I'm not nervous to answer the phone or anything now it's just another part of the job.

I do wanna add though... I'm not saying don't ever ask anyone for help because that would just be stupid. I just think if you end up too reliant on someone for certain things, you're way less likely to be able to do it yourself if you ever need or want to.

I'm actually gonna lead into an unplanned extra point off the back of that which may seen like a complete contradiction to the last one but... hear me out.. it's different I promise. 

DON'T TRY TO DO EVERYTHING ALONE

Like I said in my overly explained public speaking story... I had help to do that at first. It's likely that if it hadn't been for the Head Girl (and my good pal, Kezia) taking the main chunk of those speeches at first but still encouraging me to do my part and just being a general calming presence throughout, I wouldn't have done them. Or at least I wouldn't have got better/less nervous at any point.
Sometimes you just need someone there, even if they're just watching you do something you were scared about or standing behind whilst you go over and speak to someone you weren't ready to speak to alone.
It could be for advice about something you might do, to give you feedback on something you've already done, to calm you down or hype you up. Sometimes even having a rival around will give you that burst of "if they can, I can" or more the more sinister revenge confidence.

For me personally, I find being surrounded by my friends a huge impact on my confidence and I'm much more likely to try certain things when they're around to give me advice and hype me up.

OK back to the original planned list

STAY ORGANISED

This one is key for any workplace/career/lifestyle confidence you may need.
If I'm nervous about trying out something new that's a big deal it's usually because I'm worried about what could go wrong, how I'll fvck it up or the general "what if"s. The best way to get rid of all this doubt is just to make sure whatever you're gonna go for.. you smash it.
If it's a job interview, prepare yourself, research, plan, take notes, ask questions, plan your journey, have spare CV's/portfolios/cover letters ready just in case. In a nutshell- ORGANISE YOURSELF. Don't let the doubt convince you there's no point planning because it's not going to make a difference, if you get your shit together and prepare, your chances of succeeding (in whatever it is) are multiplied by infinity. Maybe you won't succeed (c'est la vie) but at least you'll know you tried your best and probably learnt something along the way.
Something else which might be causing the doubts is getting caught off guard and surprised with some random life test you were't expecting which, again, is soooo much less likely to happen if you're organised.

It really works for anything you might do - like travelling. I hear loads of people say they wanna go here, there and everywhere but are too nervous about the actual travel side it all. Speaking from real experience, if you plan properly, you can get anywhere. These are the times where the only thing stopping you from being confident and doing what you want is whether or not you want it enough to put the effort in.
If not, maybe it's not about confidence but more about figuring out what you really want.

Anyone who knows me IRL and just read that is rolling their eyes and calling me a hypocrite right now but when it comes down to the real important stuff or something I really wanna do I get my shit together. Just not in any other aspect of my messy life.

EXPRESS YOURSELF

LOADS of people have an ideal image of what they want to look like/wear and hold back because they "wouldn't be able to pull it off". Saying that is exactly what's going to make you end up wearing the same shit as everyone else that you don't really feel yourself in.
I get it, I grew up in a small conservative town so if I am fully aware of how people will look/talk if you wear one thing that isn't a plain jumper and trousers but at the end of it all... they probably wish they had the confidence to wear some cool shit too.
I used to know a guy who was the piercer at a tattoo studio and he said he'd seen loads of people go in to get something pierced and back out last minute because they "wouldn't suit it" and he always used to say "everyone suits a piercing as long as they wear it with pride". That proper resonates with me, not just with a piercing obviously but generally speaking, if you look like you're happy with what you're wearing, the chances are you'll look like thats exactly what you should be wearing.

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This is completely different to someone not liking what you're wearing.. that's just personal taste and is something that varies from person to person. I see some pictures of people, mainly celebrities, wearing stuff I wouldn't ever go near but when I see them in it I'm thinking it looks right.
Imagine how boring the world would look if we all had the same taste.

This goes further than just the material items you dress yourself in obviously: Tattoos, piercings, hair colour, the way you talk and act, your music taste and games you play. The list could be literally endless but just... enjoy what you enjoy and that's what matters.

It's important to be able to express yourself through how you look and what you do because it's part of who you are and what you enjoy which is something that's so cool to be able to show people.

FAKE IT TIL YOU MAKE IT

My favourite item on the list. Sort of.

I would never recommend this as proper advice but, for a fun reminder from time to time that you should give no fvcks about how embarrassed/incompetent you think you are and just pretend to know what the fvck is going on, it's pretty sick advice.

My qualm with this is that, in its essence, this phrase is basically encouraging you to pretend to be someone else who is confident rather than encouraging you to actually become more confident yourself but... if it makes you feel good then I'm all for it. It's not that deep and may just help give you that push to big yourself up when otherwise you'd stay quiet.

Soon you won't be faking anymore.

The only kind of example I could think of for this is if maybe someone is ripping into you for something you're dead embarrassed about. You just laugh and go along with it and soon no one finds it embarrassing anymore.

So easy, right?

Lol this one is not for everyone because it is kind of stupid but honestly it's helped me as much as the rest of the list so in it goes.

A final piece of advice I would give is to be active. Whether it's a hobby, the gym or team sports, I always feel more confident after I've done some kind of exercise just because... I dunno, adrenaline or endorphins being released make me feel good I guess. I don't really have anything more to say about that one so it didn't get a whole section.

There are maaaaaany others ways to increase your confidence levels: Meditation and Self Affirmation to name a couple. I'm just saying these particular ways worked for me and hopefully something you came across in this helped.

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